Yu-Gi-Oh: The Assault
by VodkaBastard
Summary: What happens when Slifer socks BEWD? T for HARSH LANGUAGE.
1. First Chapter

**I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, if I did, why the fuck would I be writing FanFiction?  
**

**Co Author - SamH1998  
**

"Slifer, ATTACK!"

The red dragon soared through the air, stopping a few feet away from his opponent, BEWD (blue eyes white dragon) to collectively sock him in the face.

"HEY, NO, NO, THAT IS ASSAULT."

"Seriously Blue-Eyes? After all the shit Kaiba put Yugi through, you're going to call THAT assault? IT'S A BATTLE FOR FUCK'S SAKE."

"NO, I WAS DEFENDING MYSELF DAMNIT." BEWD cried, "THAT IS SECOND-DEGREE ASSAULT."

"What are you going to do? Take it to court?"

"HELLS YEAH I AM, BEE-YETCH!"

Slifer facepalmed, "You're a moron"

"NOW THAT'S TWO CHARGES."

"Fuck."

"Slifer the Sky Dragon" said Judge Relin Quished (Relinquished), "You may plead your case."

"Your honor, I plead that my opponent is an arrogant prick."

"Fair enough, BEWD, what do you have to say for your case?"

"I PLEAD THE FIFTH!" BEWD screeched

"Only the defendant can say tha—" Judge Relin Quished was cut off abruptly

"NO, HE HIT ME, YOU'RE AN IDIOT AND I PLEAD THE FIFTH!"

"…." Quished paused, "Slifer the Sky Dragon, I find you guilty of assaulting a dragon with mental retardation."

"DAFUQ!?"

"Your sentence is to serve 52 hours of community service….."

"Oh, well, that doesn't sound so ba—"

"….In the graveyard."

"Fuck my life."

"Don Ra, I asketh you of a favor…" Summoned Skull solemnly stated.

"What is it? I'm a busy man." Ra replied, he was the Don of the God Mafia

"I need you to improve my defense, it sucks ass."

"I can't do that."

"WHAT!? I'LL KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD."

"I don't think so…" A beaver with shades, thinning hair, and a loaded Glock entered the room

"You ain't goin' nowhere." It said, firing a bullet into the skull of the Skull

Summoned Skull dropped and crumbled like an American-built car due to his shitty defense and lack of ligaments.

Slifer had completed his required 52 hours of service, he now laid down in the graveyard, contemplating all the tombstones he had washed.

The Dark Magician Girl approached him, "Slifer!"

"Yes?" he asked

"I just like totally came to tell you that like, your chiropractor, summoned skull, well, he like, totally got killed."

"WHAT!? BY WHO!?"

"Like, beaver warrior."

"That son of Obelisk's bitch….." Slifer flew into the air, "I WILL have my revenge!"

Beaver Warrior sat on a toilet in a McDonald's; he had eaten one of their "Super Ultra Mega Awesome McBigShits" and was now ruining their toilets with bacon-induced diarrhea.

All of a sudden, the walls to the stall, bathroom, and McDonalds all collapsed as the huge red beast gracefully yet violently soared overhead.

"I-I-I…." Beaver warrior stuttered

He had no time to react as the monster grabbed him in his mouth, violently shaking him around before snapping his neck with a single bite, then devouring the rest.

Ra sat on his Private Island, drinking a margarita, when he heard the mighty roar of Slifer in the distance.

'_Oh fuck, he's coming for me!' _Ra thought, he began flying away, he was too hasty however, and one of his wings was ripped by a rock, he crashed into the ground, "OW, GODDAMNIT, well at least it can't get worse than this…."

That was when he saw them, thousands, no, millions of pairs of tiny, glowing eyes all around him.

They were the Kuribohs.

And they were scavengers.

And they were hungry.

The smallest one of the pack whispered, in an adorable, yet frightening voice,

"…..….Imma rape ya, bitch."


	2. Getting Old Much?

BEWD was walking down a city street of the beloved New York and he decided to take a shortcut through an alley because he could see his favorite chili dog stand on the other side of the alley. However, being the simpleton that he was, he had forgotten about the fact that Obelisk the Gang Member had a gang in the Big Apple. "BITCH, ARE YOU WALKIN' THROUGH MAH ALLEY!?"

Obelisk came up behind him and kicked him in the….actually, wait…..DO DRAGONS HAVE BALLS!? Now I've gone and broken the fourth wall because of card anatomy. I am such a god damn nerd. Anyway, Obelisk kicked him in the dragon balls. BEWD dropped to the ground, moaning and asking for his mommy. "I'm gonna make good money off kicking your ass. Slifer says it's time for you to pay your debt for getting him 2 months in the Shadow realm. You know he was raped in there by those goddamn Ojama brothers?"

"Did they hurricane him?"

"You bet."

"OH CARD JESUS."

**LE MEANWHILE**

"Jig" said a Jiggly Puff

"ly" Said another

"Puff" Said yet another

"Jig-Jigjig-Jiggly Puff"

All of a sudden Slifer crashed through the ceiling and ate those little marshmallow Pokémon bastards.

"That was a good lunch."

**Meanwhile, in the previous alley**

"I don't feel like beating you up, kid, so I'm gonna run. But if Slifer sees you, you will probably die."

Obelisk the Thug left BEWD to relish in the moment of not getting the shit beaten out of him. But then a slutty Photon Wyvern approached BEWD.

"What now? I've already been almost beaten up by a gangster. I don't need to be raped by a NYC hooker."

"I was just going to offer you a BJ. You look like you need some pleasure and relaxation."

"Okay, but make it a quickie."


	3. Dimensional Hell

**A/N: .God, THESE CHAPTERS ARE COMING OUT LIKE CATHOLIC BABIES.**

"Slifer" Came the voice of Exodia over the transmitter, "How's the dimension jumper holding up?"

"Great!" said the red dragon in return, in the past few hours he had eaten a few Pokémon (if that's what you call Jigglypuffs,) gone to a huge fiery temple and killed a dragon named "Vorgara" or "Vagina" or "VolValium" or something. Now he was in a town made of construction paper, spotting some kids, he flew over to them.

"You're a Jew." Said Cartman

"You're a fatass." Said Kyle

"I'm not fat, I'm big boned."

"Hey guys?" asked Stan

"Yeah Stan?" Kyle asked

"What the fuck is that?" he pointed to Slifer

The enormous dragon snapped its jaws shut, and devoured a kid in an orange parka coat.

"OH MY GOD, THEY KILLED KENNY." Said Stan

"YOU BASTARDS." Said Kyle

Slifer hit the button again and disappeared

"…Dafuq!?" yelled Cartman

MEANWHILE…..

BEWD walked into the shadow realm portal, he was sentenced to 2 months after being found guilty of substance abuse, brought on by the oral sex he had partaken in earlier.

Phote, as BEWD had later learned her name was, was sentenced to 2 months as well for prostitution. She was given a deal though. She was to share a cell with BEWD, who was forced to testify against her.

BEWD had plans for her now.


End file.
